Escapril Day 27. Prompt: Fight or Flight

Warning: this poem contains themes of severe mental illness.  It might not be the best thing to read if you're feeling vulnerable.

The enemy within

Out of nowhere,
He reappears:
That monster within.
Asleep, dormant for so long
That he's drowsy at first.
As he stirs from his slumber,
He sends small shockwaves
And feelings of malaise.
I brush them off,
Shake my head clear,
Disregard them and say,
"If I ignore this,
It might go away."
As days turn into weeks,
He begins to take hold,
And tries to control
My work, my time, my thoughts,
My life.
I busy myself,
Absorbed in music:
My life's work!
A life lived full of colour,
Replete with activity,
Can drown him out;
Silence his voice
And disguise waves of pain.
Until one day,
On completing a task,
His full horror wells up within.
Blood becomes black ink,
Warmth turns to ice,
And he shakes up my entire being
So the cold, black sensation 
Seeps through my veins,
Finding its way to every extremity.
Friends tell me I can fight
With perseverance,
And with the power of my mind.
I freeze, still shocked 
By his resurgence
And unsure 
If I possess the strength.
As his grip tightens,
Horrors of each day
Bleed into the night,
Infusing my dreams
With darkness and fear.
I'm not strong enough
And can't fight this monster,
So must run and hide instead.
But where can I run to?
How can I flee from his presence
When the havoc he wreaks is within?
So the real choice is:
Do nothing, or fight?
Doing nothing means risking my job,
My family, my home;
Losing my choices;
Giving in to his power,
Possibly forever.
It might be small,
But there's a chink of light inside me.
Something tenacious, 
Bestowed on me last time;
So clear and strong
That I cling to it like a life raft.
I cannot give up,
Or let the enemy win.
He's won enough battles;
He's NOT claiming me too.
I hold to the light,
And summon my energy.
I MUST fight him, as always before.
Slowly, s l o w l y ,
more strength returns,
And small victories grow confidence.
There's too much to lose,
Which is why
I will NEVER give up.
For as long as it takes,
Even all of my days,
I will stand up and FIGHT.