As I promised myself about a week ago, I'm going to do a quick update about something earth-shattering and life changing that I figured out the other day, with the help of a video that FB decided I might be interested in watching (message me for the link if you like).
I haven't watched any of this lady's other videos, before or since. I will be doing so when I have time. From what I can gather, her issues are very, very different to mine. She has had substance abuse issues in the past - I haven't. She was diagnosed bipolar as a child - I haven't - and it turns out that it's not a good fit for her either. In this clip, she gets diagnosed with ADD as an adult, and lots of things suddenly fall into place. I don't have that either.
This post isn't an invitation to challenge my own diagnoses, which I'm incredibly firm and secure in, having researched everything and figured them out for myself. My primary MH issue first appeared when I was 5 years old, and recurred with any sort of new experience, change, and seasons that reminded me of those changes. I finally figured out what the problem was when I was 19 and doing my Psychology degree, then started treatment a year after that. I self-diagnosed my other issue in my mid-30s, and that had been a recent development... an understandable one in relation to circumstances at the time. It's now on the wane because I'm (a) out of the situation that caused it, (b) much older and (c) more confident in my personality. I'm just not sociable and that's that. I like people, relate just fine to one or two at a time, and will find an excuse to not come to your party. People generally don't bother to invite me any more!!
So, with the understanding that we're two very different people and this lady's problems stemmed largely from substance abuse and untreated ADD... there are some very interesting parallels. It's worth watching from the 4:30 mark, when she gets her brain scan results. At 5:45, the doctor tells her what looks like bipolar is actually ADD plus trauma from having lived with an unpredictable, angry alcoholic dad. And the more I hear about this sort of thing, the more I realise that even just the first 14 months of my life (when I was exposed to the same) has impacted me profoundly... and much more than my sister, who was only 6 weeks old when we were removed from the situation.
At 8 minutes, the doctor discusses the patient's amazing recognition of social cues and negative faces. YES!! I am the same. I have mild face blindness, especially with men (probably unrelated) but pick up on negative expressions, atmospheres at work, he-has-just-fallen-out-with-her, etc, instantly. My social problems don't stem from being unable to read the cues, because I absolutely can. They stem from not knowing what to do with that information. E.g. someone tells me one thing, and their body language tells me they are lying... which one am I supposed to respond to? E.g. I enter a room at work and can instantly tell there's been a row. I have no idea if I'm meant to know that, or supposed to act like everything's normal. I will usually spin on my heel and walk away fast. Guess who has trained us to recognise negativity and anger so acutely? Our unpredictable alcoholic dads again.
The biggest revelation came even later for me, around the 11 minute mark. In every way except for one, my problem is an exact textbook case. I read an entire book about it for university, and it felt exactly like somebody had written a book about me. The one thing that doesn't fit? We are supposed to feel worse in the morning. During my worst episodes, when even sleep feels like torture because the blackness seeps into my dreams, the only bit of respite I would ever get was the first few moments of the day. Then things got progressively worse throughout the day, until evening/ nightfall, when I would be (and I now mean as recently as 8 months ago) completely desperate and unable to function. The doctor in the video says that at night, when it's dark, is when the trouble would tend to happen with a violent alcoholic parent. Nightfall is like a daily emotional reminder of those times. This news took my breath away.
Maybe it's coincidental, and maybe my first 14 months were generally happy; I obviously don't remember, and probably won't talk to my mum about it. My issues are something I usually muddle through alone, although I've started to talk about them a bit. I found this very helpful though, so I'll file the information away and view my evenings, social sensitivities and acute radar for sadness/ anger through the lens of having been set up to experience such high alerts due to my very early life, and the way I was parented.
Before I finish, I get asked a LOT if I'm bipolar, and people often don't believe the answer. No, I'm not. When I'm at my physical and mental best, I cram lots in to make up for lost time, and to occupy my mind. My best strategy for keeping my own demons at bay is to have a lot of projects on the go, to feed my mind and not give it the chance to wander off to places I'd rather it didn't. My mood and attitude changed for the better a few years ago, when someone I barely know described my personality as 'bright and strong' - I don't see it, but I guess that's what is there once you get past the reserve. I also like to do crazy things, and occasionally to shock (e.g. cutting all my hair off on a whim; writing a rather surprising song for some friends recently) and the overall effect is clearly very chaotic and 'up'! So it might appear that way, but no, I'm definitely not bipolar.
Will definitely ponder on it all some more.
