THE MENTAL HEALTH FILES, #3

Interesting.

I'd totally forgotten about the post that I wrote four weeks ago, and it saves me quite a bit of effort tonight.  In short, I've been fine for a while, and now everything in my last blog applies once again.

The day after it was written, I was inspired by some very fit friends to attempt a marathon, but it's not what you might think.  Three of my friends ran the not-London marathon recently, but I cannot run at all (or walk more than a few hundred metres, negotiate uneven ground, or step over puddles and around obstacles without falling).  I was a bit jealous, until I decided to get fit and raise money for charity by swimming it instead!  A friend swiftly joined me, and between us we've raised over £400 for charity so far, yay!  I do love a positive project.  Focusing my energy on that, and working on my fitness, clearly improved my state of mind for a few weeks, but I've lapsed over the past couple of days.  This is, in part, due to the fact that I haven't been able to swim for a week and a half due to my husband receiving a positive Covid test and the whole family having to isolate for two weeks.  My other big charity project - nine music exams on one day - is also on hold.  I can't take face-to-face exams because of Covid, and am not content to do the watered-down online versions.  So there we have it.

In addition, it's not a good time of year for me. September to New Year has often been bleak, but was improved 15 years ago when I gave birth in October.  Now my daughter's birthday is a high point to look forward to in a season I find difficult, and we did manage to make it extra-special for her this year.  My general health has admittedly not been good for the past couple of weeks.  My asthma has been awful and I've narrowly avoided a course of oral steroids.  My chronic pain is bad and I've dislocated ribs, a wrist and my jaw, amongst other things.  I never feel sorry for myself, generally keep grinning and plod on, but how can the amount of acute and chronic pain I've been experiencing NOT affect my mood sometimes?

However, the main thing going on with me is the fact that I need to come to terms with the past six months, and I'm just not ready.  DD1 told me today how happy she feels, which is absolutely amazing!  It's been a huge amount of work to get her to this point.  I've spent six months doing most things for her, and basically trying to keep her alive.  How can I ever come to terms with the fact that she didn't like the life that I gave her, and that my love isn't always enough?  How can I ever fully relax, knowing the extent of her self-harm, recent impulsivity and three suicide attempts in quick succession?  Above all, how can I start to make sense of that terrible, terrible night; to process it and understand it, and to be able to move on now that all is as well as it can be?  I can't bear to think about it, ever, and sometimes wonder how we've managed to just take it all in our stride.  But clearly, it's all there, bubbling beneath the surface: it looks like boiling lava at the bottom of a huge chasm, and it's too scary to look at properly.  For my own sake, I think I'm going to have to go through it rather than keep telling myself that it's all over and we can now forget about it, but I'd be interested to know if anyone has had a positive experience with putting aside a traumatic event like that and never thinking about it again.

My own mood disorder is severe, but rarely all-encompassing.  So on these past couple of bad days, I've kept busy-ish by playing games, painting a bedroom, writing the odd email and making food for everyone.  Creativity helps, as does looking and thinking like Summer Me.  So I dyed the ends of my hair purple today, just the way I like it.  I work at a private school and wouldn't dare go in with purple hair on display, but if it continues to give me a lift, I'll keep dyeing it and wear my hair in a bun for work.  Simples.  I'm in touch with friends... from a distance which feels safe to me.  I don't want to burden any one individual with the stuff that needs to be discussed, because it's just so big.  I am also quite reserved emotionally, and don't want to become a blubbering wreck in front of ANYBODY.  To answer a couple of questions that do get asked occasionally: yes, I am medicated and always will be; no, I am not receiving any support to deal with what has happened.

Looking forward to my safety net kicking in soon, and grateful to everyone who's been there for us.

THE MENTAL HEALTH FILES, #2

So we made it all the way to October, and like last year, I'm currently not in great shape. Up until the new year, all bad patches were part of an atypical two years for me. It's more usual for me to be fine for a really long time, then have discrete and brief (around 4 months long) bad episodes. It's been going great for 9 months, so yay! At the moment, I can work, converse fine, be sociable(ish), funny, take an interest in other people, and find every moment of my work an absolute joy. When I stop, it's suddenly... urgh.

So in the interest of kicking its bottom and being authentic, I'll describe it a bit more. Feel free to scroll on if it's self-centred or boring.

My triggers: major changes in pace/ season/ responsibility/ stress levels; start of the school year; autumn in general; walking around in the dark; having too much time on my hands; (historically) completely overreacting to criticism or unkindness.

Early warning signs: the odd bad evening, especially more than one in a row, although I've learned over the past few years that this CAN mean nothing, thankfully. Bad dreams and/or not sleeping well. Not wanting to do things, starting with work before spreading to life admin and leisure activities. Repeatedly putting off insignificant jobs that I just can't face.

Later signs (bearing in mind that I am capable of going from 0-60 in a matter of days, and this time it's all happened so fast - around 48 hours): Persistent feelings of being unwell and not being sure what's wrong, until I stop to identify the cause, and realise that my brain is making my body hurt. Waves of physical pain that start at the top of my body and wash over my whole self. Feeling that my veins contain cold, murky ink, which occasionally gets shaken up to cause the physical sensations. Sometimes, motionlessness. To the outside observer: no discernible difference from normal, as far as I'm aware.

I can certainly see the good and the hilarity all around me. I'm just about doing everything I need to, with some procrastination. I'm working part time - about four days per week, but spread across six days. My kids are fine and we're having loads of positive conversations. The house is still standing and so are we. An advantage to being medicated permanently is that this episode might well magically get cut off short after a couple of weeks, which is pretty cool when it happens. If not, there will be some rocky days and nights ahead, and things should be OK some time in the new year. It's all good... I think.

Ask me anything, if you feel that way inclined.