keeping it real

i have been keeping a diary of our activities since the beginning of lockdown, over on facebook.  apparently, this is day 152.  i tend to talk about what we've been doing, plus anything major in the world of musiclady and musicfamily, and give updates on my charity madness/ music practice.

before i carry on, i know lack of punctuation is extremely irritating.  i just feel that lower case suits the way i'm feeling at the moment, which is small, insignificant and powerless to change anything.  normal service will hopefully be resumed shortly.

today, i managed to teach a variety of lessons, and it all came back so naturally.  they were actually face-to-face lessons too, which was particularly nice.  i got daughter 1 (henceforth known as goo) to play some flute duets with my grade 6 student, because they're going to do some gcse performance stuff together next year.  it's the first time goo had played in a couple of months, and the most she'd played since march.  i really hope she'll decide to pick it up all by herself soon, but if she doesn't, i'll just keep inviting her friend round for long duet lessons!  goo also had a bath, after a few days of paying no attention to hygiene, refusing to get dressed or brush hair/ teeth.  unfortunately, that's where today's progress ended.  she spent the rest of the day watching rubbish and fighting with us.  i've managed to fall out with both kids, which doesn't feel good at all... although i had a much nicer chat with her sister rara later in the evening.  rara has been to a sleepover and is just exhausted, but it turns out that she also got told off while she was at her friend's house, which seems to have affected her unduly and ruined her day.

i did waste some time, watching stuff on youtube (pointlessly) and playing souped-up boggle (fruitlessly).  i also spent a huge amount of time helping both girls talk through their troubles and try to find solutions.  this ended with screaming and yelling from goo, and floods of tears from rara.  i seem to be the common denominator in their outbursts, and i've literally had enough of parenting right now.  and enough of adulting.  i haven't been thinking about it, but i go back to work in a couple of weeks, and my position (self employed woodwind teacher, lots of children in some of my groups, which won't be allowed) is going to be extremely precarious.  i'm stressed about the fact that i can't leave goo unsupervised at all, and the fact that we all have to be locked, bolted and chained into the house overnight.  mr music is working all weekend, so i won't be able to pop out for anything, or go anywhere with rara at all.  she wants to go for a run/ bike ride tomorrow, but that will only be possible if we go before goo is awake and aware that we've sneaked out.

i'm now way behind on practice... three instruments per day, taking 20-60 minutes each (usually 30-40) isn't that big a commitment when i'm working so little.  i'm therefore cross with myself.  today was meant to be bassoon, piano and something else, but mr music has had to go to bed very early.  i'll have to pick something quiet now... but at 26 days in to my 100 consecutive days of practice, there's no way i'm starting all over again.  i think this is my 4th attempt in any case!

so in summary, not a very productive day; a bit of a setback for goo, who's also unhappy with her teachers for year 10 (she does have the worst english and maths teachers possible) and rara is downright miserable with everything in her life.  there's only so much positivity that i can deal out, and that particular jug is almost empty at the moment.  on the other hand... what is the worst that could happen if i weren't here to constantly encourage, motivate, troubleshoot, nag, etc?  probably nothing... they probably couldn't be any more miserable if they tried.

and on that cheerful note, i'll leave you for now.  good night.

the lost days

once again, i find myself in an alternate reality that nobody else can see or experience with me.  i don't consider myself an optimist or a pessimist; rather a realist, but positive with it, if that makes sense.  the current situation at home is getting to me once again in spite of all my coping strategies, strength as a parent, resilience forged in the fire of my own pain, and various projects to occupy my own mind.  this time, the pain is not mine, but my daughter's.  even with our best efforts and medical input, we are currently staring behind us at 3 suicide attempts (that i am aware of), one instance of extreme self-harm, three disappearances including one in the middle of the night, and intention/ threat of causing criminal damage, which she did not carry out. none of us quite knows how this has happened to a wonderful, loving, sensitive, gifted, sociable 14 year old.  at the moment, the biggest problem is her inability to let go of the pain that many of us caused her several months ago, by putting an end to some inappropriate behaviour and attachments.  she is constantly revisiting it, curling up with it, playing out different scenarios in her head, and telling me things are now hopeless because she can't go back and do things differently.

as her mother, i am doing everything i can: being strong when i think i can't, endless chats and encouragement, distractions, organising fun activities, checking in on her, holding her while she sobs, doing things for her until she can do them for herself, and forgiving her for the many hurtful things she is doing.  she is hurting everyone around her, she is hurting me a lot, but most of all, she keeps on hurting herself over and over, by pulling the metaphorical scab off an old wound.

she is officially under camhs and has her next appointment on wednesday, to talk things through.  however, since may we have had assessment after assessment; now extended assessment after extended assessment.  in reality, we all know what's wrong with her, and nothing therapeutic has been done, at all.  it falls to me, as usual.  we haven't had access to our scissors or most of our knives for 3.5 months.  we are having to double lock the windows and doors at night, and there are various other things i need to confiscate from her room tonight.  she's also currently grounded.  i'm trying hard to maintain my own relationships, jobs and projects, but i'm very behind right now.  i don't think i'm paying enough attention to her 12 year old sister, who is currently and mercifully out on a sleepover.

despite my own issues with change and autumn, i will welcome september and her return to school for some routine, friends, distraction and normality.  but the prospect is fraught with foreseen and unforeseen difficulties; will she fail to catch the bus home and simply wander off? act out at school? refuse to do her homework?  become so sick and needy that i will have to give up my day job to stay home and carry on doing this for ever?  

this is not the life that i want for her.  or for me.  until she can find it in herself to forgive, to stop living in the past and to move on, nothing is going to change.