the lost days

once again, i find myself in an alternate reality that nobody else can see or experience with me.  i don't consider myself an optimist or a pessimist; rather a realist, but positive with it, if that makes sense.  the current situation at home is getting to me once again in spite of all my coping strategies, strength as a parent, resilience forged in the fire of my own pain, and various projects to occupy my own mind.  this time, the pain is not mine, but my daughter's.  even with our best efforts and medical input, we are currently staring behind us at 3 suicide attempts (that i am aware of), one instance of extreme self-harm, three disappearances including one in the middle of the night, and intention/ threat of causing criminal damage, which she did not carry out. none of us quite knows how this has happened to a wonderful, loving, sensitive, gifted, sociable 14 year old.  at the moment, the biggest problem is her inability to let go of the pain that many of us caused her several months ago, by putting an end to some inappropriate behaviour and attachments.  she is constantly revisiting it, curling up with it, playing out different scenarios in her head, and telling me things are now hopeless because she can't go back and do things differently.

as her mother, i am doing everything i can: being strong when i think i can't, endless chats and encouragement, distractions, organising fun activities, checking in on her, holding her while she sobs, doing things for her until she can do them for herself, and forgiving her for the many hurtful things she is doing.  she is hurting everyone around her, she is hurting me a lot, but most of all, she keeps on hurting herself over and over, by pulling the metaphorical scab off an old wound.

she is officially under camhs and has her next appointment on wednesday, to talk things through.  however, since may we have had assessment after assessment; now extended assessment after extended assessment.  in reality, we all know what's wrong with her, and nothing therapeutic has been done, at all.  it falls to me, as usual.  we haven't had access to our scissors or most of our knives for 3.5 months.  we are having to double lock the windows and doors at night, and there are various other things i need to confiscate from her room tonight.  she's also currently grounded.  i'm trying hard to maintain my own relationships, jobs and projects, but i'm very behind right now.  i don't think i'm paying enough attention to her 12 year old sister, who is currently and mercifully out on a sleepover.

despite my own issues with change and autumn, i will welcome september and her return to school for some routine, friends, distraction and normality.  but the prospect is fraught with foreseen and unforeseen difficulties; will she fail to catch the bus home and simply wander off? act out at school? refuse to do her homework?  become so sick and needy that i will have to give up my day job to stay home and carry on doing this for ever?  

this is not the life that i want for her.  or for me.  until she can find it in herself to forgive, to stop living in the past and to move on, nothing is going to change.