before i carry on, i know lack of punctuation is extremely irritating. i just feel that lower case suits the way i'm feeling at the moment, which is small, insignificant and powerless to change anything. normal service will hopefully be resumed shortly.
today, i managed to teach a variety of lessons, and it all came back so naturally. they were actually face-to-face lessons too, which was particularly nice. i got daughter 1 (henceforth known as goo) to play some flute duets with my grade 6 student, because they're going to do some gcse performance stuff together next year. it's the first time goo had played in a couple of months, and the most she'd played since march. i really hope she'll decide to pick it up all by herself soon, but if she doesn't, i'll just keep inviting her friend round for long duet lessons! goo also had a bath, after a few days of paying no attention to hygiene, refusing to get dressed or brush hair/ teeth. unfortunately, that's where today's progress ended. she spent the rest of the day watching rubbish and fighting with us. i've managed to fall out with both kids, which doesn't feel good at all... although i had a much nicer chat with her sister rara later in the evening. rara has been to a sleepover and is just exhausted, but it turns out that she also got told off while she was at her friend's house, which seems to have affected her unduly and ruined her day.
i did waste some time, watching stuff on youtube (pointlessly) and playing souped-up boggle (fruitlessly). i also spent a huge amount of time helping both girls talk through their troubles and try to find solutions. this ended with screaming and yelling from goo, and floods of tears from rara. i seem to be the common denominator in their outbursts, and i've literally had enough of parenting right now. and enough of adulting. i haven't been thinking about it, but i go back to work in a couple of weeks, and my position (self employed woodwind teacher, lots of children in some of my groups, which won't be allowed) is going to be extremely precarious. i'm stressed about the fact that i can't leave goo unsupervised at all, and the fact that we all have to be locked, bolted and chained into the house overnight. mr music is working all weekend, so i won't be able to pop out for anything, or go anywhere with rara at all. she wants to go for a run/ bike ride tomorrow, but that will only be possible if we go before goo is awake and aware that we've sneaked out.
i'm now way behind on practice... three instruments per day, taking 20-60 minutes each (usually 30-40) isn't that big a commitment when i'm working so little. i'm therefore cross with myself. today was meant to be bassoon, piano and something else, but mr music has had to go to bed very early. i'll have to pick something quiet now... but at 26 days in to my 100 consecutive days of practice, there's no way i'm starting all over again. i think this is my 4th attempt in any case!
so in summary, not a very productive day; a bit of a setback for goo, who's also unhappy with her teachers for year 10 (she does have the worst english and maths teachers possible) and rara is downright miserable with everything in her life. there's only so much positivity that i can deal out, and that particular jug is almost empty at the moment. on the other hand... what is the worst that could happen if i weren't here to constantly encourage, motivate, troubleshoot, nag, etc? probably nothing... they probably couldn't be any more miserable if they tried.
and on that cheerful note, i'll leave you for now. good night.
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