THE MENTAL HEALTH FILES, #2

So we made it all the way to October, and like last year, I'm currently not in great shape. Up until the new year, all bad patches were part of an atypical two years for me. It's more usual for me to be fine for a really long time, then have discrete and brief (around 4 months long) bad episodes. It's been going great for 9 months, so yay! At the moment, I can work, converse fine, be sociable(ish), funny, take an interest in other people, and find every moment of my work an absolute joy. When I stop, it's suddenly... urgh.

So in the interest of kicking its bottom and being authentic, I'll describe it a bit more. Feel free to scroll on if it's self-centred or boring.

My triggers: major changes in pace/ season/ responsibility/ stress levels; start of the school year; autumn in general; walking around in the dark; having too much time on my hands; (historically) completely overreacting to criticism or unkindness.

Early warning signs: the odd bad evening, especially more than one in a row, although I've learned over the past few years that this CAN mean nothing, thankfully. Bad dreams and/or not sleeping well. Not wanting to do things, starting with work before spreading to life admin and leisure activities. Repeatedly putting off insignificant jobs that I just can't face.

Later signs (bearing in mind that I am capable of going from 0-60 in a matter of days, and this time it's all happened so fast - around 48 hours): Persistent feelings of being unwell and not being sure what's wrong, until I stop to identify the cause, and realise that my brain is making my body hurt. Waves of physical pain that start at the top of my body and wash over my whole self. Feeling that my veins contain cold, murky ink, which occasionally gets shaken up to cause the physical sensations. Sometimes, motionlessness. To the outside observer: no discernible difference from normal, as far as I'm aware.

I can certainly see the good and the hilarity all around me. I'm just about doing everything I need to, with some procrastination. I'm working part time - about four days per week, but spread across six days. My kids are fine and we're having loads of positive conversations. The house is still standing and so are we. An advantage to being medicated permanently is that this episode might well magically get cut off short after a couple of weeks, which is pretty cool when it happens. If not, there will be some rocky days and nights ahead, and things should be OK some time in the new year. It's all good... I think.

Ask me anything, if you feel that way inclined.